


if to be loved is to be destroyed, i don’t mind that it’s you.

by charjace



Series: love or destroy? is there a difference? [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Childhood Friends AU, M/M, still shadowhunters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 06:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10871403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charjace/pseuds/charjace
Summary: The words;  To be love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be destroyed ran through his mind, but this time they had another line saying, if being loved by you means I’m going to be destroyed, I don’t mind that it’s you. If to be loved is to be destroyed, I don’t mind that it’s you.





	if to be loved is to be destroyed, i don’t mind that it’s you.

His father had just died and he was sent to an Institute, to live with the Lightwood’s. It was a weird experience, because living with his father he had been isolated from most of the others. He trained practically all day, every day.  The change, it was hard and he felt overwhelmed by it all. The new mother he had, the new father he had along with the new brother and sister. It was _weird_ and he just wanted to get away from it – just for a few moments. So, taking his ten year old self out of the Institute he walked out into the mundane world. At some point he found himself at a park, eyes just watching the mundane kids playing together. Them laughing their heads off and running around while screaming things. It was all just so _mundane_ and it looked fun, but he was a Shadowhunter, not a mundane so he doesn’t get to do all that. No, he gets to kill demons until one ends up killing him. He was just watching kids with their parents, friends together when something hit him in head. Looking down he sees a rounded disc, and his guard went up immediately because his first thought was that a demon had found him.

“Oh sorry!” A voice called out, and a pair of friends came running towards him. One was a redheaded girl, her hair pulled into a ponytail while a boy with scruffy brunette hair and glasses followed her. “My throw was to strong. I’m sorry.”

“I should have caught it,” The boy mumbled as they came to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry too, I meant to catch but,” His eyes cast down, and his hand wipes at the dirt patch on his jeans. Clearly he fell over instead of catching the thing.

The girl picks up the thing, before flashing a huge grin upon her lips, “You can play with us if you want. I’m Clary, and that is Simon.”

He tilted his head a little, “I’m Jace. Play? How do you play with that?” He asks pointing to the thing in Clary’s hand.

“Frisbee? You don’t know how to play? Okay…we just throw it and catch it. It’s pretty simple,” Clary says and hands it over to Simon before she runs, Simon throws the thing and Clary catches it. “See,” She calls out and throwing it towards Jace.

Jace catches it in his hands with ease, and he would never admit it to anyone, but there was a small tug of a smile at the corner of his lips. Simon runs a little away, and Jace throws it towards him. They ended up doing that for a while; Clary was the first to go when her mother saw them. Jace had felt her mother’s eyes on him before she walked over to them, grabbing her by the arm and walking her away. Jace noticed her giving glances towards him every so often until they were out of sight. She had the toy, so Simon suggested a race to the end of the park and it was fun until Simon’s sister came up to him and told him that they were going to go home. Simon’s sister offered to walk him home, but Jace declined and went back to the Institute.

When he arrived, Maryse, his new mother was standing at the door of his bedroom with her arms crossed against her chest. Her eyes filled with anger and it seemed like fear hidden in there somewhere as she looked Jace. “Where have you been?”

“I went out into the mundane world, I’m sorry,” Jace replied, holding his arms by his side.

“Don’t apologise, just don’t do it again without anyone knowing. We need to know where you are,” Maryse spoke; she unfolded her arms and stepped away from Jace’s door. “Get changed, dinner will be ready soon. I want you training tomorrow morning. You and Alec.”

“Yes, Maryse,” Jace speaks with a nod of his head and stepped into his room.

**

He waited two weeks before he went back into the mundane world, if he planned it right he could be back at the Institute before anyone would notice he wasn’t where he said he was. He was just strolling down the path, watching the mundanes getting on with their lives – going to work or going to their family and friends. They worked so much different then Shadowhunters did, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

“Give it back!” A voice he’s heard before whimpers grabbing his attention.

His eyes are quick to notice the boy he meet two weeks ago surrounded by two guys who were a bit bigger than him, but he didn’t care as he stalked over there as one of the guys taunted, “Clary’s not here to save you this time Si-Fi Dork.”

An anger settled in him and he punched the guy in the stomach, and the other one in the face. “No, but I am,” Jace growled out. The other boys were hunched over, and Jace grabbed whatever they had taken off of Simon before turning to Simon looking at him with wide eyes. “Here you go,” Jace tries for a smile that doesn’t seem creepy. One of the guys goes to punch Jace, but he catches it and twist the boys arm, “Don’t you dare, go!”

“T-Thank you,” Simon stutters out after a little while, he was still staring at Jace. “Do you want to come over to mine? I’ve got the latest issue of Captain America.”

“Captain America?” Jace muses and he watches as Simon’s eyes light up. The other boy takes hold of his arm before dragging him down a few blocks. They came upon a house, and Simon led him in. “Is this your home?”

Simon gives a small nod as he lets go of Jace, running up a set of stairs as Jace stood looking around the place. It was a highly different place to the Institute and to the home he had grown up in, there were pictures of a group of four, a father, mother, daughter and son. There were things hanging just to make the room look nice, he must have got caught up in looking around because Simon called him up the stairs.

In Simon’s room, he can see the differences to his own room where clear. His room was tidy, in order with very little hanging around or up. Everything had its place, where as in Simon’s room it was full. Maybe a little mess on the ground by the bed where some old shirts sat and his walls were covered in what he assumes are posters. Books were piled up on a desk next to a few drawings with a little scribble in the corner with the name _Clary_ in black.

Simon tells him to take a seat, and Jace does and the brunette grabs a thin book off of the table and held it out to Jace. Apparently it was a comic book, and it was filled with pictures and words. They ended up the day reading the comics; more like…Simon talking about his favourites as he gives them to Jace to look at. It was nice, because here with Simon he didn’t need to be training and he actually felt like he could relax. He didn’t have to be a Shadowhunter here; no he was simply a mundane boy who made a friend. His father’s words, they echo through his mind but he pushes them aside because what was the harm with this one little mundane.

After that day, the pair started to become good friends. Jace whenever he could make time to find Simon and they would hangout but as they got older, it got a little harder to hangout, but they would find time when they could. Jace would have missions or training that he can’t get out of, and Simon would have things for school or prior plans with Clary, or band practice. So, when Jace had asked if he was free that fateful day, he wasn’t upset that Simon had plans because it was Clary’s birthday. That just meant he accepted the mission that was going on that night.

Isabelle and Alec were heading into the club, when he bumped into someone who looked familiar to him and it took him a few moments to register that it was Clary – but she could see him. She shouldn’t be able too; he’s got his glamour on. When he hears his name being called by Alec, he pushes the thought out of his head, but there she was again interrupting the bust so while Alec and Isabelle went back to the Institute, he followed her or at least tried to it was hard but eventually he did find her running and he’s on her tail. It was weird; the home he entered wasn’t like Simon’s it was burned down. Surely this could not be were Clary lived. He can’t take a good look around because there is a demon in the room, so deglamouring himself he ends up thrusting his sword into the thing before taking Clary back to the Institute.

**

Clary had woken up minutes ago, and he was trying to figure out how she knows about runes or why she was able to make the blade glow that night. Also, the fact that she doesn’t remember a _thing_ about him yet, he knows Simon would have talked about him – he does about Clary _._ He had received a few texts from Simon, asking if he’s seen Clary and Jace felt bad for not telling Simon the entire truth, he only ever texted back an ‘ _I’m sure she’s fine.’_

He felt guilty when Simon called Clary, saying he found her in an abandoned church – so Simon _was_ a mundane. Once Clary was dressed, and he tried again to get something out of her she went to go to Simon, and he followed behind her. A seraph blade in his hand, he sees Clary give him a look so he’s letting out a sigh and saying, “I saw something…behind your friend.”

“You’re not going to kill Simon, are you?” Worry was evident in her voice, and it took all Jace could to not look offended that she would suggest such a thing.

“No, we protect the humans, kill the demons. You’ll get it eventually,” Jace retorts as Clary goes to open the door.

“So, he can’t see you? Why?”

“This,” He replies lifting up his shirt revealing his glamour rune, “it’s a rune that makes me invisible to the mundanes. It’s a bit of a shame, denying them all of me.”

“What are you wearing Clary?” Simon’s voice broke his thoughts, “Let me take you home.”

“I don’t think I have one anymore,” Clary says, and Simon’s confused but there isn’t much of a reply from Clary when the guy that was behind Simon comes forward, and Jace fights the man until he’s laying dead on the ground. “Jace!”

“Excuse me?” Simon questions, his face even more confused than before as he looks at his friend then at where Clary was looking.

“Is he dead?” Clary’s asking, pointing to the dead Circle member on the ground.

“Who?....What the…” Simon starts but falters as the body seems to appear in his vision. His eyes bugged out a little.

“Could you deglamourise, or _whatever_ , so that my best friend doesn’t think that I’m losing my mind?” Clary asks with a slight demanding tone to her voice as she looked at Jace.

Jace sucked in a deep breath and let it out; he wasn’t sure how this was going to go down. So, lifting up his shirt he runs his stele over the rune, and waited for Simon’s reaction. Honestly, Jace couldn’t think that Simon’s eyes could go wider but they did and they were staring at Jace. “Hey Si,” Jace greets.

“What the fuck! Jace what the fuck! What is going on here? What _are_ you?” The words a mile a minute as they fall past Simon’s lips as he looks at Jace.

“There isn’t much time to explain, especially out here…let’s go inside shall we?” Jace asks, holding his hand out to Simon, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re also going to have to explain to me how you two know each other,” Clary says as Simon hesitantly grabs hold of Jace’s hand.

Jace leads them into the abandoned church, and because he knew Simon wouldn’t be able to see what he could, he let their hands go and took out his stele and traced the vision rune before reclapsing his hand with Simon. His eye watching as Simon’s world was changing as he saw the Institute come into full gear in front of him.

**

Simon and Jace hit a rough patch in their friendship because of this, Simon looked at him with sad eyes and Jace could hear the hurt in Simon’s voice when he said he needed time to processes this all, so that is what Jace did. Even when he wanted Simon to stay after his encounter with the vampires, it was bad enough that he was having hard time with Alec as well. It just didn’t seem fair too him, like just when he thought he could truly and utterly be happy with what he had, and gotten around to accepting it – it was pulled from underneath him. Clary was off talking with Isabelle about the cup that they had gotten earlier, and possibly about the way Jace pulled away from her kiss. What? He had a lot going on in his mind and he wasn’t exactly looking for romance when he can’t even keep friendships going.

His mind wonders to the night when they were trying to get Clary’s memories back, and the demon wanted a memory of one they loved most. At the time, his head automatically thought of maybe a memory of his father, or even Alec but the longer he thought about it, and the memory that came out of Alec he doesn’t think that either would have popped out, no he thinks one of Simon would have and, now that he didn’t have too…he’s happy that he has all of his memories of Simon because they might be the last he has.

The alarms go off meaning that someone was approaching the perimeter, with Alec and Izzy with him they go outside. Finding a shadow figure holding something, his heart started to pound a little and he didn’t understand why, but when the person – or he should say vampire turned around his heart sunk as just like Clary’s weapon.

“Simon…” His name was soft off of Clary’s tongue and he didn’t know what to do.

They brought him into the basement of the Institute, laying him gently onto a table as Raphael tells them of what had happened and how Simon was now _dead_ on the table. His brain automatically telling him that he was a bad friend, a bad Shadowhunter for letting this happen to Simon. For not pushing it further when the other wanted to drop it. He was blaming himself the whole time as Clary was trying to make the decision to turn Simon, or kill him fully. If Jace had the choice, he wouldn’t turn Simon even if it hurt his heart. Maybe his father’s words were true; _to love is to destroy_ because they seem to be. He cared for Simon, and yet, the boy lay in front of him with no breath.

It was hell seeing Simon’s mother worried about her son while he was laying dead at the Institute, it hurt like hell that he had to let Clary do this alone. How could he explain to Clary, who barely remembers anything about him, how he knows Simon’s mother after he down played the friendship they had. Seeing Simon’s room in pieces, made him feel like shit. Knowing Simon was going through _this_ and he kept his distance.

“What the hell happened to the plan Clary? Telling her Simon wasn’t coming home?” Jace forces himself to ask, despite his heart picking up faster. He watched her try, he knows she did, hell if he was in her position he doesn’t think he would have been able to do it. _Emotions Cloud Judgement_ , the words echoing through his mind as he tells Clary a story. _Emotions Cloud Judgement_ and he was trying not to let them cloud his as he’s going through this painful day.

Next they went to Luke, a downworlder, to get his opinion and Jace just was trying not show his emotions. When he was outside the restaurant, he couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen once that sun goes down.

As the sun began to set, and Jace couldn’t figure out what Clary had decided to do. It wasn’t until they reached the cemetery and the vampire held out a stake and a shovel that he knew what Clary’s choice had been. Now, Simon was laying down in the hole and Clary couldn’t even cover Simon, so pushing down all his feelings he takes the shovel and finishes it off.

“That emotions cloud judgement rule contradicts the first rule of being mundane,” Clary comments as they’re sitting by the edge of the grave.

“What is that?” Jace asks, wanting to do _something_ to distract his mind.

“That love makes you stronger. Love is what made my mother do what she did, to protect me. It makes you fight harder for what you want.”

Jace couldn’t help let his mind go to those movies that he watched with Simon, how the boy’s mother’s love is what saved him. That the boys love helped save others and everyone’s love…his thoughts were broken by the ground rumbling, and he stood up to his height and pulled Clary away a bit. They watched as Simon emerged from the ground. His body covered in dirt, him hissing as Clary tried to talk to him. Watch as he downs the blood Raphael threw his way and how he came around to a clear head. Hearing Simon talking _bad_ about himself wasn’t something he could stand, even when Clary was telling him he wasn’t those things, Simon wouldn’t believe her and Jace’s mind tells him if he tried, it wouldn’t go over any easier and he’d still believe himself to be this _monster._

Its a few days before he’s able see and talk to Simon, there had been the rescue mission but he barely got a chance to talk with Simon then, and then there was the mission of looking for Clary’s father. Which has gotten them to this point that they are now, Simon was sitting on the floor as Jace was lying on a couch with a blanket wrapped around him. The demon poison was out of his system thanks to the blood transfusion he got – thanks to Simon. It was quiet for a little while and Jace pulled out his stele to play with it.

“There is a chair right over there,” Jace comments breaking the quiet between them as he points towards a chair that was nearby with the stele in his hand.

“I know ,” Simon replies, a sadness was in his eyes as he looked at Jace. “Are you feeling better?”

Jace gives a small nod of his head, “Yeah. I am.”

“Good…so that’s your father?” Simon questions, there was a slight tilt to Simon’s head and Jace understands why.

“Apparently Valentine captured him, not killed him. We found him while trying to find Valentine,” Jace replies, not really knowing how else to explain it all. The guy knew things that no one else should know about him. Jace watched as Simon’s face contorted into something like he was trying to work something out, “What is it?”

“His blood…it…it doesn’t matter,” Simon says with a dismissive wave of his hand, which only made Jace more curious to know what he was thinking.

“It does, what is it?” Jace asks sitting himself up, watching as Simon moves so that they’re sitting in front of each other.

Simon was now sitting on the chair, close enough “His blood from what I could smell was more like Clary’s then it was yours. I might be nothing, like I said it doesn’t matter. What do I know? I’m just a fledgling vampire. Who is on thin ice with the clan leader, I shouldn’t be here but…you’re my friend.”

“Hey, you’re learning okay,” Jace says, reaching a hand over to cover Simon’s knee. “I’ve known you for almost half my life Si, like I knew my father for that long. But, he’s my father and I know that because of the things he knows.”

He watched as Simon gave a small nod of his head, “I guess I believe you. Can I ask…did you have a choice in this?” Simon questions as he’s gesturing to himself.

Jace lets out a sigh, giving a small shake of his head, “No, Clary had full choice on it. I _know_ I wouldn’t have let you become this…apart of my job, even if my heart told me to do it.”

“That emotions lesson? I remember you telling me about it one day, but do you remember what I did?” Simon questioned, a light smile spreading across his lips.

“You told me that was a bullshit lesson and then proceeded to show me movies which showed that love was a good thing,” Jace replies with a light laugh upon his lips, “And you gave me the books to read.”

“Yeah, I did. Why didn’t you tell Clary to just stake me?”

“Because…Some part of me didn’t want to see you dead, and I thought Clary would have been better if she choose, she’s known you longer,” Jace gives his answer, eyes looking down at the floor instead of at Simon.

“Don’t feel guilty; I pushed you away because of this world. I wanted to push this world away but now I’m a part of it, and I will learn to navigate my way through it. Could you help me?” Simon asks, bringing a hand to lift Jace’s head up so they’re looking each other in the eye. “Like I _clearly_ helped you with the mundane world.”

There is a light chuckle from his lips but he’s nodding his head, “Yeah, I can do that.” His eyes find their way down to Simon’s lips, and he notices the way his fangs poke out just a little. Simon was going to need to learn his control, and if Jace could, he would do his best to help.

He can’t tell you who leaned in first, but he can tell you that he liked it as he felt Simon’s lips upon his. He loved it as their lips moved together, how Simon moved his hands into his hair while he did the same. When they pulled apart, their heads rested together with their noses brushing against each other.

“That lesson your father taught you was stupid, remember that,” Simon mumbles a little, and it was Jace’s turn for eyes to go wide because never in this time, has he said that the boy was him. “I’m not stupid Jace; I knew you were the boy in the story from the moment you told me it.”

“You are one very smart mun-vampire, that’s a little weird. I use to always refer to you to Izzy and Alec as my mundane friend. Do you think they know that _you_ are him? Because, I did only tell them so much of our friendship, didn’t want to put too much onto Clary,” Jace says with a soft sigh, smiling a little as he feels Simon move a hand under his chin to rub his thumb against his cheek.

“They’re smart, just like you so I think they do if the talk Izzy had with me when she saved me from the wolf den was anything to go by,” Simon replies with a small laugh, and he was going to lean in for another kiss when Jace’s father walked in. “Right…I’ll go back to the Dumort before Raphael thinks of _actually_ killing me…you know what I mean. Like…”

“Yeah I know Si, go. I’ll be fine,” Jace replies and lets Simon leave.

It was hard, listening to what his father had to say. Listen to what he was put through; soon enough, they came up with a plan because they figured out where Valentine would be. Right under their noses, he wanted to go right away, but Clary persuaded him to stay and rest. They’d go tomorrow, his father had some words to him but he decided he’d also taken in Simon’s words and not let him dictate his actions. Resting was better; he’d be able to fight better.

Going through that day, it was _torture_ , it turns out some part of Simon was correct and that he did smell of Clary, because his father turned out to be Valentine. It was even _worse_ when Valentine admitted to being his father, after years of wanting to kill the man he just couldn’t bring himself to do it and he got away. So, now he’s sitting in his room trying to clear his head. How could this happen? How could he have let himself be fooled by the madman? Alec had not long ago left him alone in his room, apparently Izzy needed something. His room, it’s quiet as he just sits there. Sitting and staring at the wall, not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to process all this information.

It’s so quiet; he can hear the voices outside of his room, “What are you doing here Simon?” Clary’s voice asked.

“Izzy grabbed me, told me you and Jace found something out. Alec then told me the directions to I’m guessing Jace’s room because I have been in yours. Are you guys okay?” Simon’s voice rambles, and to Jace’s ears, it’s a soft reminder of the mundane he would visit whenever some bad shit went down and Alec couldn’t help him.

“Yeah, we just…Valentine is _both_ of our fathers. I’m trying to deal with it because I kinda wanted too-,” Clary stops her words.

“Don’t finish that please, and I know. Luke told me, are you really fine?” Simon asked voice filled with worry.

“Yeah, I am. I was going to go talk to him, but I don’t know if I should,” Clary says, and there is a soft sigh. “I’m going to go to bed, see you later Simon.”

“See you later Clary,” Simon replies, and then Jace hears a soft knock at his door. He turns his head to se Simon standing in the doorway, “Can I come in?”

Jace gives a nod of his head, moving himself so that there is room on the bed for Simon to sit next to him. When the vampire sits next to him, he feels the coldness of the other’s hand as he interlaces their fingers. “You were right Simon,” Jace speaks with a broken voice, eyes looking down at their hands.

“Oh my…is that the Jace Wayland admitting I was right for once?” Simon muses, trying to break the tension but Jace gives him a look, saying that this isn’t the time and he notices change in Simon’s demeanour. “How are you doing Jace? I heard the news; it’s got to be a hard thing.”

“I don’t know how to process this all. I now have _another_ sister. When things like this happen, I go out into the mundane world to find someone…but now they’re right here and in my world. I can’t go into their world anymore,” Jace tells Simon in a soft whisper, like maybe if he spoke to loud Simon would fade away and this was just another part of his fucked up life. “I destroy things, I fuck things up and I fucked you up by loving you.”

It went quiet as Jace realised his words, his mind was telling him over and over again; to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be destroyed. To love is to destroy and he’s had his hand in destroying Simon’s once mundane life. It feels cold when he feels Simon unlink their fingers, and the words are screaming in his head. That must have been the last thing to draw Simon away from him, he closes his eyes and waits for Simon to leave, but he doesn’t hear anything. A few moments later, he feels a set of hands on his cheeks and thumbs rubbing at them, and wiping the couple of tears that had fallen down his face away.

“You have _not_ destroyed me Jace,” Simon’s voice is soft and Jace opens up his eyes to see Simon kneeling in front of him, his face cupped in his hands. “You have not destroyed me okay, believe me. You love me, that…I love you too Jace. I do,” With those words, Simon leans in to kiss him. Lips so soft as they meet each other, it wasn’t a long kiss but is was enough. Foreheads’ resting against each other when they pull apart, Jace’s breathing ghosting over Simon’s lips.

“Even if I-,”

“Yes,” Simon replies and presses a gentle kiss to Jace’s cheek.

The words; **To be love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be destroyed** ran through his mind, but this time they had another line saying **, if being loved by you means I’m going to be destroyed, I don’t mind that it’s you. If to be loved is to be destroyed, I don’t mind that it’s you.**

**Author's Note:**

> if you would like more following their relationship and the show let me know


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